Native New Yorker, Adopted Person and Experienced Searcher, Shelly Lester
offers her "Words of Wisdom" for doing your own search.
For further search help email her at: monschild@aol.com

1. Make it easy to find yourself - list your phone number under your maiden name and/or birth name if you are an adoptee; list your phone as your name when you relinquished. My Mom was in the phone book!

2. Register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry (702) 882-7755, and the state registry in the state where you were adopteed or relinquished. Write for Non Identifying information from the agency used and the state. Visit the agency!

3. In NYC there are birth indexes for both the NYCity and NYState births - NYS in the National Archives on Houston and Varick Streets and NYC in the New York Public Library on 42nd and Fifth Avenue.

4. Keep a log of everything you do for your search - jot down every insignificant detail - it may be a key that will open a door later on.

5. Be kind to yourself and others - a smile gets more out of someone you want information from than a fist slammed on a desk - tried both :>)

6. Take a rest but do not give up - you will find if your information is correct - took me four and a half years - I had my birth name (Female Hopkins), that my mother was 40 and Lutheran and a housewife - which the latter was not correct.

7. Check the old phone books for your birth name in the year you were born and the year you were adopted - my birth mother was in the book. Do an address search (reverse phone book) to find out if she lived with someone.

8. If you are an older adoptee, the census is wonderful.

9. If you are a younger adoptee the census is good, but you are looking for grandparents.

10. You need at least two pieces of information to confirm a find. I had a couple of false hits because I wanted to find so badly. Some people may fit the mold but in the end you need proof.

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OTHER STATES WITH PENDING LEGISLATION

California: www.calopen.org

Colorado: Colorado Coalition for Open Records -- contact Richard Uhrlaub at bballmon@aol.com

Minnesota: www.adoptreform.org

Missouri: http://site.yahoo.com/adoptee-rights

New Jersey: For information on legislation contact the following; Jane Nast at JaneNast@compuserve.com or Barbara Cohen at equinebrc@aol.com

Rhode Island: Rhode Island Coalition for Open Records -- contact Paul Schibbelhute at Pschibbe@aol.com

Texas: The Texas web site has an excellent section on studies including the 1997 Cornell University study, showing that adoptive parents are overwhelmingly in favor of open records. Also in the laws section there is a copy of the federal law pertaining to native American adoptee rights. www.TXCare.org

Canada has open records in three provinces: British Columbia, Ontario, and Newfoundland. In most all other provinces an adoptee can have their birth name. Activists are working for full open records in all provinces. For more information email Nancy Kato at katosan@telus.net

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American Adoption Congress

The American Adoption Congress is composed of individuals, families and organizations committed to adoption reform. They represent all those whose lives are touched by adoption.

The American Adoption Congress web site lists court cases by state, a report titled "The History of Sealed Records" by Samuels and much more. Visit the AAC web site at www.Americanadoptioncongress.org

AAC's 28th International Adoption Conference
Check the site for information on Regional and National Conferences

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GOING ON AFTER REJECTION
by Sandy Cox
Wilmington, Delaware

Once hurt, you're likely to be hesitant about taking another chance for reunion... that's understandable. Here are some tips on coping.

Allow yourself to be disappointed.

Don't punish yourself with expectations of what you think you should be feeling.

Remember that everyone gets rejected sometime in life.

Realize that the rejection usually has little to to do with you. It has more to do with the person who rejected you.

Don't be superstitious. Rationalizing that "this was meant to be" is not a positive approach.

Time does make all wounds easier to bear, and the person who rejected you could change their mind after a while.

You never completely recover from rejection...you accommodate. You become a different person by living through experience.

Also, it really helps to talk to others who have experienced the same rejection and work through your anger and grief, which are natural reactions.

http://www.rags-online.org/Advice-page.htm (Rejection Network advice page)

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Birth Parent's Bill of Rights
Author Unknown

We have the right to dignity and respect.

We have the right to know if our surrendered child is alive and well.

We have the right to possess, surrender, relinquishment, consent to adopt, termination of parental rights and hospital records pertaining to ourselves and our child.

We have the right and obligation to provide full knowledge to our child of their origins, ethnic and religious backgrounds,their original name and any pertinent medical and social details.

We have the right to personal contact with our adult child, as all other humans.

We have the right to update our medical and social history for that child.

We have the right to live without guilt toward our child.

We have the right to give back or let go of any shame caused by our pregnancy and or child's adoption.

We have the right to love our child as all other parents, We have the right and obligation to show our feelings.

We have the right to become whole and complete people.

We have the right and obligation not to violate the dignity of all people in the adoption circle and to carry our message to all birth parents who still suffer.

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Barbara Pasternak

marched FOUR TIMES from

New York to Washington

for Open Records!

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Grief Experience of Mothers Who Surrendered to Adoption
by Joyce Bahr

Grief is an issue for adoptees and mothers who surrendered. Postponed or delayed grief is a major women's issue. Some mothers who surrendered grieve for the loss of the child at the time of the surrender. However, many have been told they would forget the child and they repress grief. Many years later these mothers find themselves suffering with unbearable grief. Many find that family members, friends and social workers cannot understand or relate to their pain. Some mothers who surrendered are not aware that the grief and mourning they are experiencing is repressed grief, and that it lasts as long as two years or longer. Although the pain can lessen with a successful reunion, upon rejection the pain can worsen and grief can last as long as ten years. Some experience other related psychological problems after postponed grief diminishes. Mothers who surrendered cry alone and in public places. A support group and/or therapy can be helpful.

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SUPPORT GROUPS:

Sunflower Online Support Group for Birth Mothers: http://www.bmom.net

Manhattan Birthparents Support Group email Judy: judy.kelly@att.net

Birthparents Support Network of White Plains email Gail: Gad56@aol.com

Concerned United Birthparents National Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa: http://www.cubirthparents.org

Empty Arms Online Support for mothers who surrendered their one and only child, email Joyce Ames: emptyarms2003@aol.com

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In Memoriam

JEAN PATON

1908-2002

She was ahead of her time in 1954. Challenging the shroud of secrecy surrounding adoption with her book THE ADOPTED BREAK SILENCE, Jean Paton founded Orphan Voyage and the first reunion registry in the USA. She helped thousands search and never stopped speaking out about adoption rights. Jean died recently after a brief illness.

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Remembering marchers from New York to Washington DC, birth mothers Marilyn Burson and Sharon Bell. Marching to protest laws that present birth parents with a life long sentence of separation from children surrendered to adoption.

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This will soon be changed to include New Hampshire